When to Get Professional Help

Lessons from Parenting a Neurodiverse Child

May 12, 2024

When Esther’s fourteen-year-old son Ben left a suicide note on the kitchen counter, she knew she had to take immediate action. Even though it meant radical changes for their family, Esther and her husband James found a path that brought healing for Ben.

Before we jump in, here’s some background. Esther and James have been married almost twenty-five years. Esther is Korean-American and James is Caucasian. They adopted both of their teenage sons, Isaiah and Ben, from Taiwan.

The Meltdowns

Me: Tell me about Ben’s childhood.

Esther: Ben was fourteen months old when we picked him up from the orphanage in Taiwan. So he never got that infant bonding time with a primary caregiver. He bonded well with James, more than me, which was odd because I’m the one who looks like his caregivers! That was painful.

Me: Didn’t James name Ben? They’ve always had a special connection.

Esther: Yes! Over time, Ben became attached to me, too. When he was in a good mood, he was so happy. He loved to dance, which was adorable. But even at a young age, Ben had horrible meltdowns that lasted like thirty minutes. We called them “Level Ten Meltdowns.” Lots of things would trigger him. If we picked him up or tried to soothe him, he would cry harder. It got worse as he got older. Sometimes he would scream and swear. It was so difficult.

Me: That’s so hard! What did you do?

Esther: I tried everything I could think of. All the parenting techniques that worked with Isaiah backfired with Ben. Discipline made things worse. I connected with other adoptive families. I read a great book called The Connected Child which talks about the impact of trauma on adopted kids. The author recommends ways to connect with your kid. So when Ben had meltdowns, I would give him a massage, put him in the bathtub, and give him a smoothie (cold calms anxiety). When Ben was dysregulated, I couldn’t reason with him. His brain was in fight, flight or freeze. So I had to help him calm down.

Me: How did James deal with Ben’s meltdowns?

Esther: It was hard for James. He’s a funny, boisterous guy, but when he was loud, that would trigger Ben. So James had to tone down his whole personality. If James felt upset, Ben freaked out. If anything happened to James, that triggered an especially big meltdown. Once, we were at a party. The hosts had a dog who bit James. Ben had a “Level Twenty Meltdown” in the middle of the party. We had to leave.

Getting Professional Help

Me: I can’t imagine how stressful this must have been. What did you do?

Esther: I got Ben a neuropsych test1 when he was seven. It was one of the best decisions. The neuropsychologist diagnosed Ben with ADHD, dyslexia, a sensory-processing disorder, and a language processing disorder. It was a game-changer; finally, we knew what we were dealing with.

Me: What kind of support did you find for Ben?

Esther: We got him into therapy with a woman who specializes in adoption therapy. Judy, from church, started tutoring Ben using a special type of tutoring for dyslexia. We got him on medication. At one point, in fourth grade, he went to an Intensive Outpatient Program for a few weeks.

Me: How did the school provide support?

Esther: Our schools have been amazing. Getting Ben an IEP (individualized education plan) was huge. He joined a resource class where he got extra help. He got extra time on homework, that kind of thing. Our junior high has a great band program; being part of the percussion section gave Ben a sense of belonging. It built his confidence.

When Ben Crashed

Me: Okay, so it sounds like you got a diagnosis in elementary school, you got him more support, and he stabilized during junior high. So what happened in the first few months of high school that led to a mental health crash?

Esther: I don’t think he was prepared for the transition to high school, in terms of the intensity and the workload. It was overwhelming. Then James’ mom entered hospice, which was devastating to all of us. Ben started having a lot of meltdowns. Often he would just take a nap to calm himself down. But then I found a note about his plan to kill himself. I said, “We have to do something.”

Me: You must have been terrified!

Esther: Yeah. I know Ben well enough to know that it’s really a cry for help, more than a plan. But James and I saw that Ben was getting worse. A friend recommended a treatment center that sounded better than the one we used in elementary school. It was really expensive, it meant pulling James out of school for months, and we had to be there for some of it. But we said, “We’ll do whatever it takes.”

Me: How did the program help?

Esther: Well, the first day was awful because that same day, James’ mom died. It wasn’t a surprise but it was awful. Ben was close to her.

But overall, it was the most amazing experience. I liked that they came up with an individualized plan just for Ben. He went full-time for about seven weeks, and then stepped down to half days for another five weeks. He had a lot of one-on-one time with therapists, which he needed, plus some group time. They used CBT and DBT2. They got him on the right medication. He learned a lot of tools. It was the best thing we could have done.

Me: That’s awesome! How’s Ben doing now?

Esther: He’s doing one hundred percent better. He had one bad relapse but that’s it. He’s much better at regulating his emotions when he gets upset. I think he’s also better at expressing himself. He has good friends. He’s found places to belong at school, like the percussion ensemble and the D&D3 club.

Me: Nice. So his friends are supporting and scaffolding him.

Esther: Yes! Also, he loves going to this Christian sleepaway camp for a few weeks every summer. You’d think he would hate it because they don’t allow screens. But being in nature and around friends is so good for him… it calms him down.

Finding Hope

Me: I love that. How did you experience God’s presence in this journey?

Esther:. I’ve had some really dark moments, especially when my mother-in-law died and Ben started treatment. There was grief in both of those transitions.

But God brought us through those hard times. He brought us to the right doctors, therapists and teachers for Ben. I had a flexible job which allowed me to take Ben to all his appointments. Our friends, like you, supported and prayed for us. God answered so many prayers

There are certain adults in Ben’s life who feel like angels. At the treatment center, Ben had a Taiwanese therapist who really understood him. His percussion teacher is an older man who believes in him. Judy, the tutor, adores Ben and won’t let us pay her. So many blessings.

Me: How did spiritual practices help you in parenting Ben?

Esther: Spending quiet time in prayer and Scripture helps me to get centered. It’s so important for us to stay calm, especially when Ben becomes dysregulated. When Ben is screaming, it’s easy for me to get upset too. But I have to be a calming presence.

Me: That makes so much sense. It’s so hard to stay calm when our kid is falling apart, but that’s the only way we can help them. Any other tips for parents?

Esther: Another mom told me to get Ben into treatment now, because his mental health would only get worse as time went on. That was great advice. I would add, get a neuropsych eval so you know what your kid is dealing with.

James brings humor into our lives. Being able to laugh is a key ingredient in making it through these difficult experiences. James and I lean on each other all the time.

Every kid is unique. Every kid needs a different parenting style.

When you first asked me to be interviewed, I didn’t know what to say. But now I can see that we’ve been through a lot, and God has been faithful. I hope our story gives hope to others.

Thanks for reading! Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who are mothers, grandmothers, or who nurture others in unique ways. Your care for others makes such a difference, especially for kids with mental health challenges!