When to Get Professional Help
Lessons from Parenting a Neurodiverse Child
When Esther’s fourteen-year-old son Ben left a suicide note on the kitchen counter, she knew she had to take immediate action. Even though it meant radical changes for their family, Esther and her husband James found a path that brought healing for Ben.
This is a story from the archives that I wanted to bring back during the season of Easter, since it holds both moments of deep darkness and encouraging hope. It’s also one I’ll refer back to in an upcoming series.
As we jump in, here’s some background. I interviewed my dear friend Esther about her journey in parenting a son with mental health challenges. Esther and James, who have been married twenty-five years, adopted both their now-teenage sons, Isaiah and Ben. For context, Esther is Korean-American and James is Caucasian.
The Meltdowns
Me: Tell me about Ben’s childhood.
Esther: Ben was fourteen months old when we picked him up from the orphanage in Taiwan. So he never got that infant bonding time with a primary caregiver. He bonded well with James, more than me, which was odd because I’m the one who looks like his caregivers! That was painful.
Me: They’ve always had a special connection. What was Ben like as a child?
Esther: Over time, Ben became attached to me, too. When he was in a good mood, he was so happy. He loved to dance, which was adorable. But even at a young age, Ben had horrible meltdowns that lasted like thirty minutes. We called them “Level Ten Meltdowns.” Lots of things would trigger him. If we picked him up or tried to soothe him, he would cry harder. It got worse as he got older. Sometimes he would scream and swear. It was so difficult.
Me: That’s so hard! What did you do?
Esther: I tried everything I could think of. All the parenting techniques that worked with Isaiah backfired with Ben. Discipline made things worse. I connected with other adoptive families. I read a great book called The Connected Child which talks about the impact of trauma on adopted kids and ways to connect with your kid. So when Ben had meltdowns, I would give him a massage, put him in the bathtub, and give him a smoothie (cold calms anxiety). When Ben was dysregulated, I couldn’t reason with him. His brain was in fight, flight or freeze. So I had to help him calm down.
Me: How did James deal with Ben’s meltdowns?
Esther: It was hard for James. He’s a funny, boisterous guy, but when he was loud, that would trigger Ben. So James had to tone down his whole personality. If James felt upset, Ben freaked out. If anything happened to James, that triggered an especially big meltdown. Once, we were at a party. The hosts had a dog who bit James. Ben had a “Level Twenty Meltdown” in the middle of the party. It was so awful that we had to leave.
Getting Professional Help
Me: I can’t imagine how stressful this must have been. What did you do?
Esther: I got Ben a neuropsych test1 when he was seven. It was a great decision. The neuropsychologist diagnosed Ben with ADHD, dyslexia, a sensory-processing disorder, and a language processing disorder. It was a game-changer; finally, we knew what we were dealing with.
Me: What kind of support did you find for Ben?
Esther: We got him into therapy with a woman who specializes in adoption therapy. Judy, from church, started tutoring Ben using a special type of tutoring for dyslexia. We got him on medication. In fourth grade, he went to an Intensive Outpatient Program for a few weeks.
Me: How did the school provide support?
Esther: Our schools have been amazing. Getting Ben an IEP (individualized education plan) was huge. He joined a resource class where he got extra help. He got extra time on homework, that kind of thing. Our junior high has a great band program; being part of the percussion section gave Ben a sense of belonging. It built his confidence.
When Ben Crashed
Me: So you got a diagnosis in elementary school, you got him more support, and he stabilized during junior high. What happened in high school that led to a mental health crash?
Esther: I don’t think he was prepared for the transition to high school, in terms of the intensity and the workload. It was overwhelming. Then James’ mom entered hospice, which was devastating to all of us. Ben started having a lot of meltdowns. Often he would just take a nap to calm himself down.
But then I found a note about his plan to kill himself!
I said, “We have to do something.”
Me: You must have been terrified!
Esther: Yeah. I know Ben well enough to know that it’s really a cry for help, more than a plan. But James and I saw that Ben was getting worse. A friend recommended a treatment center that sounded better than the one we used in elementary school. It was really expensive, it meant pulling Ben out of school for months, and we had to be there at times. But we said, “We’ll do whatever it takes.”
Me: How did the program help?
Esther: Well, the first day was awful because that same day, James’ mom died. It wasn’t a surprise but it was awful. Ben was close to her.
But overall, it was the most amazing experience. They came up with an individualized plan just for Ben. He went full-time for about seven weeks, and then stepped down to half days for another five weeks. He had one-on-one time with therapists, which he needed, plus group time. They used CBT and DBT.2 They got him on the right medication. He learned a lot of tools. It was the best thing we could have done.
Me: That’s awesome! How’s Ben doing now?
Esther: One hundred percent better. He had one bad relapse but that’s it. He’s much better at regulating his emotions when he gets upset. He’s also better at expressing himself. He has good friends. He’s found places to belong at school, like the percussion ensemble and the D&D3 club.
Me: Nice. So his friends are supporting and scaffolding him.
Esther: Yes! Also, he loves going to this Christian sleepaway camp every summer. You’d think he would hate it because they don’t allow screens. But being in nature and around friends is so good for him… it calms him down.
Finding Hope
Me: How did you experience God’s presence in this journey?
Esther: I’ve had some really dark moments, especially when my mother-in-law died and Ben started treatment. There was grief in both of those transitions.
But God brought us through those hard times. He brought us to the right doctors, therapists and teachers for Ben. I had a flexible job which allowed me to take Ben to all his appointments. Our friends, like you, supported and prayed for us. God answered so many prayers.
There are certain adults in Ben’s life who feel like angels. At the treatment center, Ben had a Taiwanese therapist who really understood him. His percussion teacher is an older man who believes in him. Judy, the tutor, adores Ben and won’t let us pay her. So many blessings.
Me: How did spiritual practices help you in parenting Ben?
Esther: Spending quiet time in prayer and Scripture helps me to get centered. It’s so important for us to stay calm, especially when Ben becomes dysregulated. When Ben is screaming, it’s easy for me to get upset too. But I have to be a calming presence.
Me: That makes so much sense. It’s so hard to stay calm when our kid is falling apart, but that’s the only way we can help them. Any other tips for parents?
Esther: Another mom told me to get Ben into treatment now, because his mental health would only get worse as time went on. That was great advice. I would add, get a neuropsych eval so you know what your kid is dealing with.
James brings humor into our lives. Being able to laugh is a key ingredient in making it through these difficult experiences. James and I lean on each other all the time.
Every kid is unique. Every kid needs a different parenting style.
When you first asked me to be interviewed, I didn’t know what to say. But now I can see that we’ve been through a lot, and God has been faithful. I hope our story gives hope to others.
Even though I’ve walked closely with Esther through all those experiences over the past two decades, this interview showed me her story in a new way. I’m especially touched by how they found hope came after a season of despair, struggle, and grief. Esther’s story also reminds me of how the faithful prayers of a community can carry a struggling family.
I’d love to hear from you. How have you experienced hope in a season of despair, especially in parenting teens who are struggling? Who are the “angels” in your family’s life?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
Neuropsychological evaluations are specialized tests to measure how your brain works. They take several hours and are conducted by a neuropsychologist to determine diagnoses and make a treatment plan. They tend to be expensive but some insurance companies will cover part of the cost.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are two effective, commonly used methods in mental health treatment
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Thank you for sharing this, Serena. I'm trying to feel my way through what might be next for some of my younger ND kids. This is really helpful.
Thanks for the article. Our church’s youth group leaders were a huge blessing from God. One of our children would not be who they are today if it wasn’t for them. We had massive behavioural issues and clashes due to missed & late diagnoses. On the background of that I had unknown childhood trauma which contributed to the way I handle to situation. But God is good and now our adult child is loving and serving God, and I’m on the road to healing.