WOW! What a powerful post! I have several close friends and family who are in this situation as grandparents frustrated with situations they see as serious but are on the sidelines. I will pass this on to them. I also see signs of anxiety in several of my grand children. This is definitely a family trait. This post provides helpful suggestions and resonating hope. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks so much, JoDee! I imagine Ann's situation is common but hard to talk about and even harder to know what to do with it. Thanks for passing this onto them - I hope it's helpful! Ann's story has given me a lot of hope, too!
This resonates strongly with me. I watch from a geographical distance as my daughter struggles to support three neurodivergent children with minimal support. I don't know how to help sometimes. I just want them to be OK. When they aren't I an feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. They know I love them but that feels so insufficient sometimes. I want practical support for them that I am unable to do myself.
Hey Davina! Oh, I feel for your daughter too - it's extra hard to parent multiple neurodivergent kids without much support! I hear how much you care about your daughter and grandkids, which makes such a difference.
In case it's helpful - My mom lives halfway across the country and hasn't been able to provide regular practical support, beyond a few visits a year. But the support she offers me in our phone calls has sustained me -and my kids, especially my daughter who is autistic, really enjoy spending time with her when she visits. She has long talks with my daughter and really listens to her. It makes me feel less alone to see her care for my daughter like that.
I imagine you support your daughter and grandkids in a similar way.
It’s so hard to measure those intangible contributions, and yet they really do matter in huge ways! In the end, we can hire someone else to babysit, to drive, to clean, to offer medical treatment, etc for our kids. But we cannot hire someone else to know them as a parent does and to love them with a parent’s devotion. What you’re offering really matters!
Thank you for this wonderful story. I’m a grandmother of one nine year old girl with anxiety and ADHD. It is reassuring to know that my patience will help her, and her mother.
Thanks Susan! So glad Ann's story resonated with you. It is so hard to be a kid with anxiety and ADHD, and also hard to love a kid with these challenges as a grandma. My daughter also has ADHD and anxiety. Yes, your patience and love - and all your amazing wisdom that you already share on your Substack - is undoubtedly a huge gift to them both.
Serena, what a universal experience shared exquisitely. I kept thinking about the strange, frustrating, maddening, and sometimes painful role of loving someone and carrying responsibility without possessing control.
Parents experience it with adult children, as I will soon enough find out. Grandparents experience it with grandchildren. Friends experience it with friends. Even as an investment advisor, I experience it with clients.
You can see the danger. You can offer counsel. You can remain present. But you can’t make the decision.
Your telling of Ann’s story captures these tensions beautifully. She couldn’t choose for Suzanne. She couldn’t choose for her daughter and son-in-law. What she could do was keep listening, keep loving, and refuse to abandon her granddaughter while everything unfolded, including her own humanness.
I was reminded that influence and authority are not the same thing. Sometimes love asks us to hold our concerns without giving in to our need for control. To trust that our presence matters, even when we cannot see its effect.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share Ann’s story. 🙏♥️
wow, @James Bailey this is deep! :) Love it! I love how you related this to adult children, grandkids, friends, and clients. I really love what you said about the difference between influence and authority… I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, but it’s so true. When we realize the limits of our authority, what we can offer is ourselves. Who we are and how others feel when they are with us might be the most powerful influence. I think Ann demonstrates this so beautifully. It’s as if we can love better sometimes when we stay in the emotions and the moment with folks, rather than trying to solve others’ problems - especially when they aren’t open to it.
Lately, I’ve been thinking that even with my kids when they were younger, I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did. I’ve been thinking about how limited our ability is to protect our kids, even when we do our best. Last night, I couldn’t stop watching my son drive my younger daughter on the Life 360 app, as if I could control the car from my phone! As you said, it is a strange and painful experience to love others so much, while accepting the reality of daily threats and still keeping our hearts open.
“I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did”. Wow, isn’t that the truth :) Also, I laughed at your comment about watching kids drive on Life 360, I’m not to only one who does that? And like I have some influence or control! Ha! Thank you Serena.
Oh yes, we are on the same wavelength in tracking our children! :) I did listen to a college administrator gently but firmly tell a group of parents (including me) to stop this practice when we drove away from the university. I don't track my kids daily or even weekly when they are at college, but I haven't been able to let it go completely. I wonder if the other side of the false sense of control is the hunger for intimacy and connection... it just comes out sideways. That's what I'm really looking for as I stare at the moving dot on the screen... along with my fear, like Ann, of losing them.
WOW! What a powerful post! I have several close friends and family who are in this situation as grandparents frustrated with situations they see as serious but are on the sidelines. I will pass this on to them. I also see signs of anxiety in several of my grand children. This is definitely a family trait. This post provides helpful suggestions and resonating hope. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks so much, JoDee! I imagine Ann's situation is common but hard to talk about and even harder to know what to do with it. Thanks for passing this onto them - I hope it's helpful! Ann's story has given me a lot of hope, too!
This resonates strongly with me. I watch from a geographical distance as my daughter struggles to support three neurodivergent children with minimal support. I don't know how to help sometimes. I just want them to be OK. When they aren't I an feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. They know I love them but that feels so insufficient sometimes. I want practical support for them that I am unable to do myself.
Hey Davina! Oh, I feel for your daughter too - it's extra hard to parent multiple neurodivergent kids without much support! I hear how much you care about your daughter and grandkids, which makes such a difference.
In case it's helpful - My mom lives halfway across the country and hasn't been able to provide regular practical support, beyond a few visits a year. But the support she offers me in our phone calls has sustained me -and my kids, especially my daughter who is autistic, really enjoy spending time with her when she visits. She has long talks with my daughter and really listens to her. It makes me feel less alone to see her care for my daughter like that.
I imagine you support your daughter and grandkids in a similar way.
Serena. Thank you for taking the time to say this. It is very helpful. I do everything I can in these ways. That is true.🥰
It’s so hard to measure those intangible contributions, and yet they really do matter in huge ways! In the end, we can hire someone else to babysit, to drive, to clean, to offer medical treatment, etc for our kids. But we cannot hire someone else to know them as a parent does and to love them with a parent’s devotion. What you’re offering really matters!
Serena. It's so strange that I needed you to say this. I would say the same to someone else! Just hard to see it for myself sometimes. Bless you.🥰
So glad I could be a vessel for what you needed to hear- anytime!
Thank you for this wonderful story. I’m a grandmother of one nine year old girl with anxiety and ADHD. It is reassuring to know that my patience will help her, and her mother.
Thanks Susan! So glad Ann's story resonated with you. It is so hard to be a kid with anxiety and ADHD, and also hard to love a kid with these challenges as a grandma. My daughter also has ADHD and anxiety. Yes, your patience and love - and all your amazing wisdom that you already share on your Substack - is undoubtedly a huge gift to them both.
Serena, what a universal experience shared exquisitely. I kept thinking about the strange, frustrating, maddening, and sometimes painful role of loving someone and carrying responsibility without possessing control.
Parents experience it with adult children, as I will soon enough find out. Grandparents experience it with grandchildren. Friends experience it with friends. Even as an investment advisor, I experience it with clients.
You can see the danger. You can offer counsel. You can remain present. But you can’t make the decision.
Your telling of Ann’s story captures these tensions beautifully. She couldn’t choose for Suzanne. She couldn’t choose for her daughter and son-in-law. What she could do was keep listening, keep loving, and refuse to abandon her granddaughter while everything unfolded, including her own humanness.
I was reminded that influence and authority are not the same thing. Sometimes love asks us to hold our concerns without giving in to our need for control. To trust that our presence matters, even when we cannot see its effect.
Thank you for taking the time to write and share Ann’s story. 🙏♥️
wow, @James Bailey this is deep! :) Love it! I love how you related this to adult children, grandkids, friends, and clients. I really love what you said about the difference between influence and authority… I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, but it’s so true. When we realize the limits of our authority, what we can offer is ourselves. Who we are and how others feel when they are with us might be the most powerful influence. I think Ann demonstrates this so beautifully. It’s as if we can love better sometimes when we stay in the emotions and the moment with folks, rather than trying to solve others’ problems - especially when they aren’t open to it.
Lately, I’ve been thinking that even with my kids when they were younger, I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did. I’ve been thinking about how limited our ability is to protect our kids, even when we do our best. Last night, I couldn’t stop watching my son drive my younger daughter on the Life 360 app, as if I could control the car from my phone! As you said, it is a strange and painful experience to love others so much, while accepting the reality of daily threats and still keeping our hearts open.
“I didn’t have as much control as I thought I did”. Wow, isn’t that the truth :) Also, I laughed at your comment about watching kids drive on Life 360, I’m not to only one who does that? And like I have some influence or control! Ha! Thank you Serena.
Oh yes, we are on the same wavelength in tracking our children! :) I did listen to a college administrator gently but firmly tell a group of parents (including me) to stop this practice when we drove away from the university. I don't track my kids daily or even weekly when they are at college, but I haven't been able to let it go completely. I wonder if the other side of the false sense of control is the hunger for intimacy and connection... it just comes out sideways. That's what I'm really looking for as I stare at the moving dot on the screen... along with my fear, like Ann, of losing them.