The Third Parent

One Grandma's Story of Loving Teens with Mental Health Struggles

As a grandparent, how do you support teens with mental health challenges, especially when you disagree with their parents’ approach? This is the question that Ann, mother of two adult children and grandmother of five, has wrestled with. She’s supported her teenage grandchildren as they have struggled with various mental health challenges, even when her ability to influence feels limited.

Listening Grandma

When Ann¹, 74, retired from her intense job in healthcare, she decided to invest in her own mental health, focusing on anxiety and addiction. A decade later, with the help of therapy and support groups, she has emerged stronger, humbler, and more grounded. As a result, she wants to support her grandchildren with their emotional health.

Over the years, Ann has built beautiful practices to establish trust with her grandchildren as their unofficial third parent. Through weekly childcare, endless chauffeuring, and devoted cheerleading at their athletic events, Ann consistently shows up for her grandchildren. But she doesn’t just take care of their practical needs; she invites them to share their hearts with her. Since her daughter Julie and son-in-law Jon work full-time and live nearby, she has taken on the role of chief chauffeur for three grandchildren, ages 13, 16, and 18. She uses those car rides to start deeper conversations.

Ann explains, “The first thing I say when they get in the car after school is, ‘Tell me about your day,’ and they do. Then I ask, ‘How’d you feel about that?’ And we talk.”

When Ann’s oldest grandchild, Riley, began showing signs of anxiety in late elementary years, he confided in Ann during those car rides. As she watched Riley verbalize chronic fears and chew on his clothing, she urged Julie to find a therapist for him. Thankfully, Riley’s pediatrician agreed and added medication. Within eighteen months, Riley was thriving.

When It Got Harder

Even though Ann witnessed a relatively smooth healing process for Riley, she agonized over her granddaughter Suzanne’s struggles. In addition, Ann struggled to contain her frustration when Julie and Jon were reluctant to enlist professional help.

At ten years old, Suzanne showed similar symptoms of anxiety as her brother had. But she also complained of stomach pain and resisted leaving the house. While Julie had her evaluated by the pediatrician and tried medication, it didn’t move the needle much. When Ann encouraged Julie to enlist a therapist for Suzanne, as she had for her firstborn, Julie hesitated.

For a couple of years, Jon and Julie debated whether Suzanne truly had mental health issues. They told Ann that Suzanne was being a drama queen, that they suspected she was manipulating them to avoid school. “She’s playing us,” Jon said.

But Ann believed her granddaughter. She drove Suzanne to school most days and witnessed her internal struggle. As time went on, those drop-offs got harder. Ann wrestled with grief as she watched Suzanne in agony each day..

She says, “I was getting frustrated with my daughter and son-in-law, because I’m the one who had to deal with drop-off. They delegated the fight to me, but they wouldn’t get her a therapist. I truly believe if they experienced it more, they would have moved faster. Then one day, I couldn’t get her out of the car anymore.”

Ann worked hard to be empathetic and supportive of Suzanne. But once, she exploded, to her own horror. She said to Suzanne in the car, “You know, we can’t do this anymore. You have to go to school. Do you understand that it’s against the law for you not to go to school?” But her angry words could not shake Suzanne’s anxiety. Afterwards, she hated herself for lashing out at her granddaughter.

As Jon and Julie chose short-term Band-Aid solutions, such as allowing Suzanne to skip school on hard days, Ann grew more upset. Jon insisted Suzanne was just being difficult.

But Ann says, “This is where the conflict came up because I thought, No, this is real. I saw the fear in her eyes. She was not playing anybody. She was terrified to go into that school.”

Around the same timeframe, Suzanne experienced a heartbreaking loss, one unfamiliar to most tweens. Her best friend, Carrie, passed away at age ten after a yearlong battle with cancer. Carrie clung to Suzanne throughout her last year, always asking for her companionship. She even refused to attend a sports ceremony where she was being recognized, unless Suzanne accompanied her. So, Suzanne learned at a young age to be a companion in sickness and death. After Carrie passed, Suzanne struggled to verbalize her grief, becoming quiet and moody as her memories surfaced.

Helplessness

Ann felt trapped and terrified. Even though she operated as a third parent for her grandchildren in terms of parental duties, she knew the limits of her ability to make decisions about their mental health. As she watched Jon and Julie parent Suzanne, Ann sharply disagreed with their decisions. A few times, she expressed her opinion that Suzanne had an anxiety disorder that needed treatment, and suggested next steps to Julie, such as getting Suzanne tested for mental health issues. Ann also urged Jon and Julie to set up an official plan² with Suzanne’s school to put accommodations into place so that Suzanne could learn alongside her peers.

Even though Julie and Jon nodded, they were slow to follow Ann’s suggestions. Ann felt sidelined. Months passed with no visible progress in securing professional help for Suzanne. As Suzanne declined, Ann became furious. She couldn’t understand Julie and Jon’s reluctance to help their daughter.

Was it because their family was constantly moving at a frantic pace, between two parents with full-time jobs, three teenagers on competitive sports teams, and Julie’s active social calendar?

Was it because Julie herself disliked therapy, even though she had been willing to find someone for Riley? Julie didn’t just avoid it for herself; she had often tried to persuade Ann herself to stop seeing a therapist.

Were they in denial about Suzanne’s mental health, even though, in Ann’s ears, Suzanne’s alarm bells grew louder and louder?

Bigger picture, Ann grieved as she recognized the gap between her daughter’s values and her own. Ann centered her life around her Christian faith, her health, and her honest exploration of personal growth and recovery. Julie wasn’t interested in any of that.

Ann also felt terrified that Julie’s delay would lead to tragic consequences for her granddaughter. She feared Suzanne would hurt herself as she heard Suzanne say, “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

All of this led to tremendous frustration and grief for Ann.

Finding Agency

Even though Ann felt handicapped in her ability to help Suzanne, she considered what she could do for her granddaughter. Ann was determined to stand by Suzanne. She focused on showing up for Suzanne, as a warm, empathic listener and a voice of encouragement.

Ann says, “I could let her talk it out and let her know she’s being seen and heard. I would say, ‘Why don’t you talk to Mom about this? Tell me what you’d want to say.’ We did some role-playing to help her find the words. That was what I could do.”

Throughout the process, Ann processed her anger with her therapist. She realized that fighting with Julie would only make the situation worse and might threaten her ability to stay in a relationship with Suzanne. So she asked herself, “What is best for Suzanne?”

Ann also prayed daily, asking God to take care of Suzanne. She pleaded with God for guidance about how to support her granddaughter and how to talk with her daughter in ways that might influence her. She imagined handing her granddaughter to God.

Even though Ann’s actions felt like small steps, they were part of the building blocks that led to Suzanne’s healing.

Evidence of Grace

Eventually, Julie realized, “We do need that help my mom’s been talking about.”

A battery of tests revealed Suzanne had been struggling not just with anxiety, but also with depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In addition, they realized Suzanne has celiac disease (hence the stomach pain). Today, Suzanne has a therapist who specializes in OCD, and she has the right medication. Her parents follow the protocols for avoiding gluten (the main trigger for celiac). Ironically, now Ann drives Suzanne to therapy, too!

Ann realized that sometimes our children need to hear the same message from someone else. She partnered with her ex-husband, Julie’s dad, who is a retired special education teacher. Julie’s dad finally convinced Julie to partner with Suzanne’s school to set up an official 504 plan. On tough days when Suzanne’s anxiety disorder screamed at her, a social worker whom Suzanne trusts gently escorted her into school. To everyone’s relief, this partnership has enabled Suzanne to reengage in the school community.

After a year of working with her therapist, Suzanne has experienced an amazing turnaround. Throughout her eighth-grade year, she hasn’t once avoided school because of anxiety. She has become a valued member of the volleyball team, which has helped tremendously with her self-esteem.

Ann is incredibly proud of her granddaughter’s courage and dedication to her recovery. She said, “She even went on the school trip to Washington, DC this weekend. My daughter kept saying she’s not going to go. But she did.”

Looking back, Ann feels grateful for how her grandchildren can speak honestly about their mental health journeys. Ann shared proudly, “When Riley was in junior high, he told me he was in a group meeting about mental health. He stood up and told the group, ‘I have anxiety. I take medication. I see a therapist, and that’s the best thing that’s happened to me.’ And I thought, he’s on the right track now.”

As Ann reflects on the past three years, she sees God’s care for her family. She believes God kept Suzanne safe and prevented her from hurting herself. God gave her patience with her daughter and son-in-law until they figured it out. She’s grateful for her community, who offered her the same empathy and listening skills she gives her grandchildren.Their support helped Ann release her own anxiety.

Conclusion

If you are a grandparent, or anyone who loves a struggling teen from the sidelines, Ann’s story is for you. You may not be the decision-maker. You may feel helpless as you watch your loved one struggle. At times, you may feel furious, confused, or afraid. You may become frustrated with being stuck on the sidelines.

But your presence matters more than you know. Ann showed up for her grandkids with presence, empathic listening, and quiet prayers. She refused to abandon Suzanne, no matter how dark the road became. For any of us, the gift of loving companionship is not trivial. It is one of the building blocks of healing, even when healing doesn’t show itself yet. It is love in action.

I’d love to hear from you. How have you offered presence to someone struggling with mental health issues? How have you handled frustration with the limits of how much you can help?

Grateful for your companionship on the journey,

P.S. If something here resonates with you, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!

1. All names changed for privacy

2. A 504 plan is a legal support plan to ensure that a student with a disability receives necessary accommodations to access the same education as their peers. It levels the playing field without changing the core curriculum.