Clues that Our Teen is Ready

Launching a Neurodiverse Teen

Sep 08, 2024

“How is your daughter doing in college?”

This has become everyone’s favorite question since we moved our daughter Ellie into a new university, where she enrolled as a transfer student. To be honest, while I appreciate the love and care behind it, I also dread this question.

Because the answer is complicated.

When I imagine my friends’ (neurotypical, able-bodied) kids in their first weeks of college, I picture teenagers playing lawn games in a grassy quad, laughing with new friends until 3AM at a campus party, or singing karaoke in the student union. Some of my friends report how happy their teens are, how they worry about them enjoying too much freedom, how they have already found a friend group, to their relief.

A group of friends at a coffee shop — Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

In contrast, Ellie has barely left her dorm room for the past three weeks.

Navigating Challenges

One phrase that I’ve used to describe Ellie’s first three weeks is that it’s been a “productive struggle.”

If you’re new to our story, our daughter has several debilitating health conditions under the umbrella term “dysautonomia.” One symptom is that she can’t walk or stand for more than ten minutes without feeling faint. We’re still adjusting to these new diagnoses and the need for a different lifestyle. These conditions are more common for neurodiverse folks like Ellie. The fact that Ellie also struggles with anxiety (and has a history of depression and eating disorders) makes it all harder. These conditions led to Ellie’s withdrawal from college last fall. These conditions continue to make college challenging.

For example, at her first university-sponsored social event, Ellie collapsed. After playing arcade games, Ellie was so dizzy that her knees buckled, and vision went black. She lay on the bathroom floor, hoping no one would come in, as she berated herself. “I just wanted to be normal with the other kids,” she told me later. “I wanted to enjoy the games. I didn’t see anywhere to sit. But then I paid for it. I hate that my body is this way.”

Later that week, Ellie attended the university convocation within a bowl-shaped field, along with thousands of other new students and faculty. While she enjoyed the speakers and the music, the venue was not accessible for disabled folks. When she tried to leave, she collapsed multiple times and found the crowded bus system difficult to navigate. The event left her exhausted, unable to leave her dorm room for hours.

Due to her neurodiversity, it’s hard for Ellie to make new friends. While she is fiercely loyal and incredibly supportive of her inner circle, her social anxiety blocks her from striking up conversations with new people. Somehow, Ellie has not yet talked with anyone in her dorm for more than five minutes. She feels too shy to sit with other students at the dining hall. If the RA’s are hosting dorm social events, Ellie doesn’t know about them.

The bitter icing on the cake came last weekend. On Saturday morning, I picked up the phone to hear Ellie sobbing, “I have COVID!” The virus exacerbated her chronic health conditions, to the point that she has struggled to eat solid food or get out of bed. This has only added to her isolation.

Finding Hope

Yet, I am not discouraged. I feel hopeful that Ellie will still have a great college experience. It just isn’t going to look like the glossy photos in college marketing materials which filled up our mailbox. It won’t sound like the typical college student’s narrative that shared at Thanksgiving. From an outside perspective, Ellie’s experience might look confusing or miserable.

But I have faith that Ellie will create a college experience that works for her. Despite her challenges, I am on a hunt for signs of hope.

Share Evidence of Grace

Years ago, our church’s junior high group hosted an outdoor scavenger hunt. I supervised a dozen sixth-grade girls, including Ellie, with our list of clues and a ninety-minute timer. The girls raced through a mile-long park, climbing over sculptures and peeking behind trees, eager to find the answers to our riddles. They raced towards the finish line, smiles plastered over their faces, proud of their discoveries.

round black and green magnifying glass — Photo by Sam 🐷 on Unsplash

In the same way, I find myself looking for clues that Ellie will succeed in college this time. By God’s grace, the clues seem to pop up easily when I look, as if they were just waiting to be found. I gather them like a special rock collection, reviewing them every so often for reassurance. If you have a teen with health challenges, maybe you can assemble your own signs of hope.

Clues of Independence-Ready Teens

Clue 1: My teen asks for help appropriately

I’ve noticed that many teens, especially neurodiverse ones, can feel shy or awkward about voicing their needs to adults (or even peers). Unfortunately, when teens hide their needs from others, it often leads to increased anxiety and pain.

This was our experience last year. At her previous college, Ellie struggled to identify which adults on campus could help. At times, she seemed unwilling and anxious about approaching those adults, despite our encouragement.

In contrast, Ellie now displays confidence and self-assurance in asking for help. I’ve been impressed with how quickly she reached out to the director of the neurodiversity program and the office of disabilities when her health conditions became overwhelming. Because of that, she is getting incredible support and increased accommodations. She’s also getting to know several kind administrators!

Clue 2: My teen demonstrates effective problem-solving skills

Sometimes it can be hard for parents like me to step back from trying to solve our kids’ problems for them (especially because I have so many great ideas!). As my kids have matured, I’ve tried to step back when challenges arise, to ask them thoughtful questions about how they might navigate it themselves. That’s easier to do when my teen responds to those questions with solid answers. It’s much harder when they offer mediocre ideas, come up empty, or withdraw altogether.

Even though it’s painful for me to see Ellie struggle in college, I have the sense that this is a productive struggle, because she is demonstrating mature problem-solving skills. While last year, Ellie often threw up her hands in defeat, now she has become astute at facing a challenge. We’ve gotten to the point that sometimes when I offer a suggestion, she informs me that she’s already done that. Sometimes she has moved forward with a solution that I never would have thought of. Even when she seems stuck, she often moves forward in her own way, in her own timing, on her own initiative.

Clue 3: My teen is committed to supportive community

Many of us have heard statistics about Generation Z. One repeated sentiment is that while they are more technologically savvy and virtually connected than their predecessors, they are also the loneliest generation ever. More Gen Z students experience social anxiety than previous generations, which can make it hard to enter into new communities. In particular, neurodiverse students, who may already feel different, need to know they are not alone.

One of the main reasons our family chose this university is because of its neurodiversity program. Even though Ellie’s first college had a student-run club for students with disabilities, we quickly found that Ellie needed something more robust. We searched for programs that would provide a high level of accountability and support from university staff alongside a consistent community. Even before arriving on campus, Ellie enthusiastically committed to this program. I’m encouraged by her eagerness to attend their events and by her stories of connecting with other neurodiverse students. It seems like she already calls it “home.”

Clue 4: My teen is motivated to succeed in college.

College isn’t the right fit for every eighteen-year-old. Some choose to work, travel or take a gap year or two. Recently, I’ve come to believe that aside from her health challenges, my daughter probably needed another year at home. I’ve learned that every teen emerges into adulthood at their own pace, and there’s no reason to rush a teen’s development.

But now, my daughter is determined to make college work. Even as her health challenges have intensified, she has dug in her heels with tenacity. Perhaps the pain of last year’s college withdrawal motivates her. I believe she is also eager to live independently and commit to her education. Even though she calls us daily, she has not mentioned coming home for a visit. She focuses on her goals: getting to classes and meeting new people. Despite her health challenges, she has already visited more clubs in these first three weeks than she did last fall. By pacing herself and finding the right accommodations, Ellie keeps working towards the college experience she wants.

This is not meant to be an exhaustive or universal list. These clues may not work for other families, but they are a sign of hope for ours. Overall, we are choosing to focus on the positive in Ellie’s transition to college, rather than the bumps in her journey. As we celebrate her growth, we are communicating to our daughter: “You can do this, Ellie. In your own way and in your own time, you are ready for this challenge. We believe in you.”

I’d love to hear your experiences! If you’ve supported kids towards independence, what clues have given you hope about their ability to launch? How have you held onto hope when your kids have stumbled or fallen? How have you noticed your own growth, when you’re tempted to focus on the negative?