When Christmas is Complicated
Tools for Parenting Teens with Mental Health Challenges
In 2020, when the treatment center told us that our daughter would be home for Christmas, I felt more scared than joyful.
Of course, I wanted my daughter to be with us for the holidays.
But I felt ill-equipped to handle her mood swings. I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of feeding my eating-disordered daughter according to the nutritionist-mandated food plan she hated. And I seriously questioned my ability to host a happy Christmas celebration for our family of five with the shadow of Ellie’s depression looming in the background.
Maybe you’ve been there.
Over the past four years, as our daughter has recovered from some mental health challenges and other issues have emerged, the holidays have gotten easier. But as much as I cherish both the spiritual depth of Christmas and the joyful ways Christmas brings together my loved ones, I still find it challenging. Our daughter’s mental health issues are part of the fabric of our family; they don’t take a vacation on December 25. So how do we create satisfying celebrations for our families and ourselves as we care for kids with health challenges?
Why It’s Hard
Early in my journey of parenting a teen with mental health challenges, I naively assumed that the holidays might offer a reprieve. I thought perhaps that my daughter would feel content, maybe even emotionally balanced, in the absence of academic pressure or school social drama. I dreamed of relaxed dinners and movie nights, laughing by the fire as we opened gifts, flinging cookie dough at each other as we giggled. She might feel restored by Christmas carols and the peace of a candlelit church service. I mean, after all the time and money I invested in making the holiday special for her and her siblings, shouldn’t there be some type of guarantee that she would feel merry and bright?
Reality is a wise and unrelenting teacher. Now I know that the downside of the holidays is that they disrupt the predictable routines that ground teens like Ellie. When their usual patterns of sleeping, eating, and physical activity shift dramatically, teens with mental health challenges often feel worse. Overstimulation, even for joyful reasons like a full schedule of fun activities or an extended gathering of loved ones, can be extra stressful for these teens. Both overstimulation and the losing routine can lead to emotional dysregulation.
Then there’s the fact that not all family gatherings feel joyful. When family members fight or just struggle to connect, teens may feel lonelier than ever. Some teens isolate at family gatherings; some recoil after inappropriate comments made by well-meaning but clueless relatives.
Add to that mix the reality that our teen may not connect with their therapist or wider support network during this time, and we understand why they are struggling more than usual.
Let’s not forget that for those of us parents who work extra hard to make Christmas joyful, we may feel even more discouraged as we see our teen wither. After supporting our teen through these trials, we may find ourselves completely exhausted.
Here’s a few helpful practices we use in our family.
Parenting Tools During Holidays
Make a Plan
If I took just one idea from my daughter’s treatment center, it was this: failing to plan means planning to fail. In early recovery, every time Ellie faced a new challenge, such as stepping down to a lower level of treatment, spending a weekend at home during partial hospitalization or going back to school, her therapist insisted they write out a plan together.
Those plans always included a few key elements:
Potential triggers (events, people, situations that might create stress for Ellie)
Ellie’s typical unhealthy reactions (feelings, anxiety, self-destructive urges)
Healthy behaviors (Ellie would write a list of supportive activities that could help her calm down, along with a place to go if she needed to be alone)
Support people (who could help)
Four years later, Ellie mostly does this planning with her therapists on her own. But we still find it helpful to do together occasionally.
I’m also learning to create some family routines during the holidays, so we have familiar rhythms of sleeping, eating, and family activities. The kids and I create relaxed schedules together that help everyone know what to expect. We’ve learned from professionals that we can help Ellie by minimizing surprises and maximizing communication about what’s coming up in the next few days. We also plan plenty of rest time each day.
Adjust Expectations
In the early days, I unconsciously expected my daughter to show up to holiday gatherings and act like a neurotypical kid without mental health challenges. That wasn’t fair to her. I tried to convince her and myself that she could take part at a level that was beyond her healthy limits.
Now I know that my beautiful neurodiverse1, physically disabled daughter needs more rest than the average teen. She is an introvert who thrives when she has adequate alone time. Her physical challenges limit her mobility. Sensory overload from blazing lights or loud, high-pitched noises exhausts her. She prefers the comfort of home to the festive offerings of the city.
I have learned to accept my child for who she is, rather than expecting her to be someone else. I am still learning to work around her preferences and limitations.
The more I partner with her to decide what we’ll do and how we’ll do it, the better we do together. Orienting first to our family’s values helps us decide. Since one of our top values is family connection, we find activities that help us do that in ways that honor Ellie’s limits.
It’s also been essential to communicate realistic expectations to relatives about Ellie’s participation in longer family gatherings. While we agree with Ellie that she will engage in a family gathering, we also negotiate around the logistics and timing to make it work for her. This gives the rest of our family the freedom to participate in an activity, even if Ellie doesn’t. It gives all of us the freedom to create our own definition of a satisfying holiday.
Create Space for Self-care
During holiday busyness, I often forget to make space for myself, my heart, and my body. Because her emotional and physical conditions force her to move at a slower pace, my daughter is a wonderful teacher. I’ve learned that the practice of underscheduling (leaving extra space in between activities or doing less) often brings peace. Here’s a list of self-care practices we’ve enjoyed.
Outdoor walks, even on a wintry day
Down time for rest, play, reading, crafting, meandering
Prayer, meditation, reflection and gratitude, often by candlelight
Noticing and honoring feelings
Meaningful connections (even brief) with support networks, as much as possible. Note: we try to help our daughter continue to connect with her therapist during the holidays. In the hardest moments, when our daughter has slipped back into a dark place, we call 911 and/or a doctor’s emergency line, regardless of what day it is.
Checking in with my daughter about how she’s really doing
Helping each other laugh by finding humor in any situation
Whatever your holidays look like, I hope you find peace and joy. I’d love to hear what you’ve learned to create satisfying holidays with your kids.
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
Some professionals use the term ‘neurodiverse’ to include both neurodivergent folks who have diagnoses such as autism, ADHD, and learning differences AND folks with mental health challenges. Some say that those two groups should not be merged. Since my daughter has diagnoses in both areas, I use this term to describe her. You may consider your loved one ‘neurotypical’ and they struggle with a mental health condition.
"The more I partner with her to decide what we’ll do and how we’ll do it, the better we do together."
I absolutely LOVE this wording and the act itself. That's exactly what parenting should be, a team working together for the betterment of each individual AND the family. 🙌❤️
As always, some very helpful ideas for handling complex family situations. (I wish I’d taken a few of these self-care tips while my family was in town, but I’ll save them for next year!)