If you heard me talk about my fourteen-year-old daughter’s tennis matches, you might assume, based on my enthusiasm, that Leah is a star player on a selective team.
But actually the opposite is true. Leah’s JV tennis team is full of struggling amateurs who are familiar with losing. And I’m pretty thrilled about it.
Usually, I write about parenting teens with mental health challenges and/or neurodiversity, but I wanted to explore a more general parenting question that I’ve been wrestling with. I assume most of us work hard to support our kids to succeed in school, sports and other extracurricular activities. But I’ve never considered before, how might we help our children fail well? What can we learn from parenting experts?
Not the Winning Team
When Leah, a freshman, expressed an interest in joining the tennis team, I didn’t know how to say the words, “But you can barely keep the ball in play, honey.”
So I emailed the school counselor to find out if Leah’s dream was even realistic. Turns out, our school’s tennis team is full of girls like Leah who are eager to learn a new sport. The coaches barely make any cuts; as long as the girls are halfway coordinated and teachable, the coaches will train them. My husband and I are proud to send our kids to a high school that offers not just a solid academic education but also a vibrant cultural experience, because of its diverse student body. It is the sports that kids can try out for free or cheap at a young age, such as basketball, track, and volleyball, that our school is most competitive in.
Although I was relieved that Leah made the tennis team, I also wondered about her ability to compete against teens from other schools. Within half an hour’s drive, you can find well-resourced schools where teens began taking tennis lessons with a skilled coach at age four, in anticipation of high school team tryouts. These teens strut onto the court with confidence, accustomed to the satiny feel of a tennis skirt against their thighs. The first time I watched one of them flick the ball up for a serve and place it perfectly in their opponent’s box, I knew Leah’s team had no chance.
Watching my daughter, who is usually an overachiever, lose against her opponents about half of the time, has given me food for thought.
Failure Deprivation
Over a decade ago, researchers at Harvard and Stanford began investigating a phenomenon they coined “failure deprivation.” They found a correlation between students’ mental health challenges and their inability to tolerate failure. Many students lacked coping skills to process setbacks, which led to greater stress and anxiety, sometimes spiraling into depression. As many of us know, today’s teens, like my daughter Ellie, struggle more with mental health challenges than any other generation.1
Rachel Simmons, a leadership development specialist at Smith College in Massachusetts, described stressed students’ reactions. “We’re not talking about flunking out of pre-med or getting kicked out of college. We’re talking about students showing up in residential life offices distraught and inconsolable when they score less than an A-minus. Ending up in the counseling center after being rejected from a club. Students who are unable to ask for help when they need it, or so fearful of failing that they will avoid taking risks at all.”2
Teens can be driven to succeed for many reasons, such as a desire to meet parents’ high expectations, worries about getting into a certain college or finding a job, and the need to project a “perfect” image on social media. Perhaps our culture has created a pressure cooker environment, causing many teens to feel like their self-worth is inextricably tied to their success.
My friend Nina, who has taught high school English for twenty years, mentioned how much the school environment has changed recently. “I feel like parents are trying to optimize their kids,” Nina confided. “I get emails from parents asking me to change their student’s grade because their kid has to get into a name-brand university. Often, these are students who haven’t worked hard when I’ve given them opportunities. But the students and parents are so fixated on getting all A’s for college. It makes me sad, wondering, where is the priority on learning, rather than just the grades? I see the same pressure being put on kids in the athletic fields.”
Learning about failure deprivation has made me wonder, when have I unwittingly created a pressure-cooker environment for my kids, out of my desire to see them thrive? What if I’ve unfairly equated their academic or athletic success with their happiness?
Embracing Failure
Parenting expert Jessica Lahey argues that parents should welcome failure as an essential child development tool. She coaches parents to step back from an overprotective stance to allow children to fail, so they can develop the grit and resilience to bounce back.
“Out of love and desire to protect our children’s self-esteem, we have bulldozed every uncomfortable bump and obstacle out of their way, clearing the manicured path we hoped would lead to success and happiness. Unfortunately, in doing so, we have deprived our children of the most important lessons of childhood. The setbacks, mistakes, miscalculations, and failures we have shoved out of our children’s way are the very experiences that teach them how to be resourceful, persistent, innovative, and resilient citizens of the world.” - Jessica Lahey, The Gift of Failure
In efforts to combat the effects of “failure deprivation,” several colleges began programs designed to normalize and even celebrate failure. For example, prominent Stanford alumni filmed stories of academic setbacks for current students. The Princeton Perspective Project encourages conversations about setbacks and struggles. At UT-Austin, an iPhone app called Thrive helps students manage the difficulties of campus life through inspirational quotes and stories. Davidson College offers a “failure fund, a series of $150 to $1,000 grants for students who want to pursue a creative endeavor, with no requirements that the idea be viable or work.” 3
These examples inspire me to offer similar encouragement, by sharing stories of prominent figures who have worked through setbacks. J. K. Rowling experienced numerous rejection letters before Harry Potter became a hit. Michael Jordan talks openly about how many games he has lost. Simone Biles felt like a failure as she stepped out of the 2020 Olympics because of a mental block. For those of us raising kids within a church, we could talk about many celebrated figures in the Bible, such as Moses, David, and Peter, who experienced moments of deep failure in a long trajectory of successful leadership.
Along similar lines, perhaps we could help our children discover opportunities that could bring challenge rather than mastery, adventure rather than achievement, the risk of failure rather than an assurance of success.
Processing Setbacks
Noticing our teen’s reactions to setbacks helps us know how to parent them through it. Their actions can give us a window into their self-esteem and resilience.4 I’ve found that every teen’s response to failure is unique to them and their personality.
As a neurodiverse teen with mental health challenges, our daughter Ellie has faced more setbacks than the average teen. When she was in the depths of a mental health crisis, her 4.5 GPA plummeted. We worked with her school counselor to take an incomplete in some classes and drop others, including an AP class. Ellie immediately had a panic attack. Dropping the class forced her to face the reality that she might not have the “perfect” transcript to show colleges. As I watched her struggle to breathe, I knew that Ellie had wrapped her self-esteem too tightly around her academic performance. Our work as parents, along with her therapist, was to reinforce her beloved identity, separate from anything she could achieve.
As Leah has faced defeat on the tennis courts, I’ve watched her walk away deflated, fighting tears. Instead of analyzing the match afterwards and trying to help her “improve” by “helpful tips,” I try to remember that she has a coach and it’s not me. Instead, I ask two simple questions to help her reframe the experience.
1. Did you have fun playing tennis today?
2. What are you learning about the sport?
I hope these questions create a place of freedom for Leah to explore, to feel my acceptance of her, to know herself better. Gradually, I saw Leah learn to affirm herself in her setbacks, saying, “Yeah, we lost. But we didn’t do too badly, either.”
Turning Defeat into Victory
By the end of Leah’s tennis season, the team had turned a corner.
In one of the last matches, Leah and her partner Ali nervously faced a formidable team. After about ninety minutes, the other team had almost won. Leah’s opponent had already asked her parents if they could buy her pizza as a winner’s prize. I saw the discouragement on Leah’s face.
But then Leah and Ali rallied, scoring point after point, ultimately winning the second set in a stunning tie-breaker. They clapped racquets and quietly exchanged grins. As the sun descended, the two teams battled it out in an abbreviated third set by twilight.
Then Leah scored the winning point.
While it was exciting to see Leah and Ali make a comeback, what impressed me most was their resilience. They learned how to manage the emotional heaviness of being the underdog. They believed in themselves enough to push through discouragement and envision themselves as champions. More than any one match, I hope that gives them a solid foundation to face a lifetime of setbacks, along with achievements.
I’d love to hear your perspective. What have you learned from your own failures? How have you supported kids to process setbacks in ways that build resilience and emotional balance?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
Sixty-five percent of Gen Zers report experiencing at least one mental health problem in the past two years. Almost half (47%) report persistent anxiety. (https://www.aecf.org/blog/generation-z-and-mental-health)
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/24/fashion/fear-of-failure.html
Ibid
https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/why-failure-is-healthy-for-teens/
I love this so much. I know you have at least one other child besides Ellie and I wondered if there were any techniques or advice you could share about raising siblings of a neurodiverse child. This article is full of wisdom and I am going to share it with friends who have children or grandchildren Leah's age. I remember one of my friends who had a high school son who was working on a tennis scholarship, which he ended up getting. It was a full ride to a 4-year private college. But I remember when his son would get mad and fly off the handle or beat himself up over a loss, Rog would just ask him, "Did you do your best? Did you use all you had? Then that's all you can do." No advice. No pointing out flaws. I always admired that. I love those questions you asked Leah. You second to the last paragraph is pure gold. Leah and Ali are better for it.
I absolutely LOVE this post! I am an avid "morning pages" writer. This morning I was writing about the importance of youth spots. NOT to be a track for professional sports, but for many other important aspects (ex. exercise, being outside, playing together on teams, teamwork, and how learning how to lose and learning how to win).
I love youth sports for so many reasons, but not a exclusive track for college, Olympics, or pro sports....