Tribute to My Husband

Parenting Teens with Mental Health Challenges

Jun 16, 2024

To my husband, Peter:

Last night, I was working on an art project, next to our daughter, for your Father’s Day gift. To be honest, it’s mediocre because as you know, art isn’t my strong suit. And I felt frustrated by the fact that I don’t have a great gift for you at all. But then, I realized I could write a gift for you. So here goes.

Happy Father’s Day to a wonderful dad. You have been a great father in so many ways, over the past nineteen years of parenting our three kids together. But today, I especially want to recognize how you have cared for our daughter with mental health challenges.

The Shock of a Mental Health Crisis

I know it has not been easy. I remember your grief when we first realized that our daughter Ellie was severely depressed and struggling with suicidal tendencies. I remember how you wept for her and feared losing her. I remember how you wrestled with how this could have happened, how you wished you could have prevented this. You have worked so hard to be a great dad. Your life’s mission has been to provide the kind of fathering to our kids that you didn’t get yourself. The news of Ellie’s mental health crisis felt like a vote of no confidence in your parenting, even though none of this is your fault. I know you were devastated.

A glimpse of Peter’s fingerprints: his beautiful garden

I remember how scared and discouraged you felt when she disclosed her eating disorder. It was easier for me to envision a path of recovery for her, as someone in long-term eating disorder recovery, than it was for you. I think it was hard for us to come together at that time, since I had a special bond with Ellie as her primary confidante and the one who had walked a similar path before. I know you felt left out at times.

I remember how hard it was for you to show up for family therapy in those first months when Ellie was in the eating disorder treatment center. You had just been given a great new opportunity at work but soon ended up working three jobs for the price of one, and the demands at the office never lessened. But you still did your best to come home for family dinner, even if you had to return to the office afterwards. As we learned how important it was, you found a way to make it to family therapy to support Ellie, in the midst of the work chaos.

Pursuing Healing Together

Once Ellie was discharged from treatment three years ago, and we began working with an outpatient family therapist, you never missed a session. You are dedicated and faithful. You always take notes, so we can remember what we learned. You have been willing to engage in hard conversations during those sessions. You have been willing to listen to Ellie’s frustrations with you, even when it is painful. You have chosen to work towards reconciliation, healing, and improved patterns with her.

You have never complained about the time or money associated with our daughter’s recovery. Instead, you patiently submit out-of-network superbills to insurance, study Explanation of Benefits, and give me forms to submit to Flexplan. Then you tell me, with a grin, when we’ve met our out-of-pocket max for the year and encourage me to get new orthotics myself, since it will be free.

Learning as a Couple

I’m so glad we have figured out better ways to partner around Ellie’s health. In the beginning, we stepped into our natural patterns of over-functioning (me) and under-functioning (you) that we brought into our marriage. But Ellie’s health journey hasn’t just changed Ellie - it’s changed us as a couple. We learned that we needed each other in a new way. We needed to change those unhelpful patterns, even if it felt foreign and uncomfortable. I had to let go of my constant need to be in control, which was rooted in my anxiety and lack of trust in others. I had to make space for you to care for Ellie. You had to embrace the opportunity to step into those spaces, even when it felt unnatural or it meant sacrificing something else in your schedule.

For the first few months of Ellie’s eating disorder recovery, I plated every meal and supervised her myself. After she relapsed, her therapist and nutritionist wisely brought you into the mix. I know you struggled with learning to plate her meals; what feels intuitive for me as someone in eating disorder recovery was like learning back handsprings for you. But you persevered, even when it felt overwhelming, when Ellie refused to eat what you gave her, when she blamed you for doing it wrong. You kept trying until you succeeded, because you were committed to our daughter.

When the weight of constant Ellie supervision became too much for me, we eventually made a new agreement that we would share the load. As you spent mornings with Ellie, playing games and building shelves, you two laughed together. Even though I’m sometimes annoyed by how jigsaw puzzles have taken over multiple tables in our home, I’m also happy to watch you spend time with Ellie in one of her favorite activities. As you have taken on more of the Ellie supervision duties, I have found space to sustain myself.

Thanks for how you invest in our younger teens, William and Leah, in light of their sister’s challenges. You are so good at taking them out for one-on-one adventures like tennis or rollerblading or a Dunkin Donuts run or a weekend camping trip. Or you offer them a rowdy game of ping-pong or a late-night Star Wars movie in the basement. As appropriate, you make space for them to share their feelings about Ellie’s struggles and how it affects them.

Recent Parenting Challenges

The past twelve months have been incredibly difficult. We took the big step to send our daughter to college, but it was too much for her, and she came home. We learned new truths about our daughter’s neurodiverse brain and the kind of support she needs. In the past twelve months, she’s developed a chronic illness that has sent us to countless doctors, required endless lab tests and a long line of prescriptions. Even after all our efforts, our daughter still hasn’t recovered. We’re walking with our daughter in a different health crisis, another nightmare, made more complicated by her neurodiversity.

And yet we are in it together.

As Ellie’s doctor appointments fill up our calendars, I’m grateful every time that you take your lunch break or vacation time to bring her to a specialist. Thank you for the endless trips to big box stores to pick up her prescriptions and her specialized food needs.

Thanks for the ways you cheer me on and affirm me as I work hard for Ellie’s health with doctors and therapists. I appreciate it each time you thank me for something I’ve done.

Most of all, thanks for how you are there for me in the fear and grief of parenting a teen with mental health and physical health challenges. We have cried and prayed together so many times and we’ll probably do it again and again. In this painful and circuitous journey, I am grateful to have you by my side.

With love,