Mother's Day, Every Day
Self-Care While Supporting Struggling Teens
When you care for a teen with health challenges, what does self-care look like? What kinds of Mother’s Day gifts and activities can ease a mom’s worries about their teen in crisis?
When we parent teens like this, we hold the reality that the struggle never goes away. It doesn’t evaporate on holidays, birthdays or vacations. We live in the reality of conditions that affect our children in ways that we cannot change, which color every celebration.
On this Mother’s Day, I wanted to offer all moms a gift: ways you can care for yourself over the long haul.
As you consider your special day, I know it can feel challenging to consider your own self-care. I imagine you, like me, have your hands full taking care of others, especially your struggling teen. Caring for a teen with health issues can wreak havoc on our own bodies and minds. We may feel resentful, discouraged, and exhausted. It may affect our relationships and work life. Left unchecked, the stress of parenting teens with health issues can even lead to our own anxiety, depression and burnout.
For our own sustenance, we need to care for ourselves. Our ability to invest in ourselves isn’t optional; it’s essential for our functioning and our ability to serve as caregivers.
Kristi Yeh, therapist and author of Self-Care 101: Self-Care Inspiration for Busy Parents, says:
“Self-care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself.”
Here are some tips from other moms who have walked this path.
Find Support
It’s crucial to create your own support system, which could include a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends to lean on. Maybe you’ll create a circle of fellow parents whose teens have similar challenges. You need a place to talk about your own struggles, not just your teen’s needs.
I know it feels hard to make time for this, between the intense needs of our struggling teens and the pressure of work, community and other commitments. It helped me to hear someone say that a mother’s need for support was as essential for our family’s health as my daughter’s prescription medications or therapy appointments. It is difficult to find space when our child needs significant supervision. But the investment is worth it. Years ago, when I was desperate, I met with my therapist near enough to watch my daughter, but far enough away that she couldn’t hear me.
My friend Maggie, who has multiple kids with mental health issues, explained the value of therapy: “Having a place [to express] grief and anger and fear, that's not aimed at your partner, is super important.”
Shelley, who has a son with severe disabilities and a teen daughter who struggled with anxiety, says, “It’s really helpful to let myself be really honest and let others in on the nitty gritty reality of what it’s like to live with these challenges every day.”
Sometimes we feel like we shouldn’t need this kind of support as caregivers. Brené Brown, author and speaker, has a fascinating answer to this quandary: “When you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping. When you attach value to giving help, you attach value to needing help. The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.”1
Take Time
Carve out moments amidst the chaos of parenting a struggling teen; our hearts crave peace even as our family’s needs demand our attention.
Jessie and I met when our daughters were in an eating disorder treatment center. Recently, we chatted about how impossible it felt to take time for ourselves when our daughters needed so much support, but how important it was. Jessie says, “It felt selfish to do those things for ourselves, like going out with friends or reading a novel, when our daughters were so sick. But it was necessary.”
When Ellie was in a partial hospitalization program, I found a beautiful, deserted forest preserve along the route. Often, I dropped off Ellie, then stopped there to walk and pray. I asked my husband to cover Ellie in the early mornings, so I could take a bike ride. To make sure I stayed connected with friends, I scheduled calls when Ellie had therapy.
Shelley loves “finding times and spaces to disconnect completely from worry and present moment responsibility. I make sure my kids are safe and tended to. Then I can go do whatever brings me joy and turn off the worry in my brain and heart.”
Tammy, mom of a neurodiverse son with anxiety, says, “Ask for a day off now and then. It is helpful when my husband takes my son away for the weekend.“
Often, taking time for essential self-care means setting boundaries and saying no to other commitments. In the year that our daughters needed intensive support, Jessie and I each negotiated with our bosses to reduce our work hours to provide more breathing room and minimize stress. Once our daughters stabilized, we both returned to full-time hours. When my friend Cameron’s daughter faced an eating disorder, Cameron eliminated all her volunteer commitments and said no to anything that felt stressful. This allowed her to make more time for her family, for rest, and for restorative friendships.
Whatever rejuvenates your mind and heart, whether it’s walking in the forest, going out with friends, reading a novel or just getting extra sleep, I support you in prioritizing.
Be Gentle
Parenting a teen with health challenges often feels grueling. I felt stretched to my limits, angry at the world, and ashamed of our situation. I often wondered if Ellie’s mental health breakdown resulted from my failure as a parent. Jealousy became a familiar companion as I watched other teens thrive while my daughter withered.
As we walk through the physical demands and emotional intensity of parenting struggling teens, we need to show ourselves compassion.
Jessie says, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, defeated, and out of control. This is really hard. People kept telling me to put on my own oxygen mask and it felt confusing, given the realities of taking care of my daughter.”
Rhea walked with both of her teens through significant mental health breakdowns. Her daughter wrestled with an eating disorder, while her son’s challenges became so profound that he needed to attend a therapeutic boarding school. Years later, both young adults are grounded and thriving, but Rhea still feels the sting of those days. She says, “I had to separate what was best for my child from what ‘feels’ good because it all felt wrong. Like a ‘good’ parent wouldn’t be in this situation, so I did something wrong. I think this is where the idea of seeing myself as God sees me comes into play. I had to learn forgiveness and compassion for myself.”
Tammy has applied self-compassion, especially when her anxious, autistic son makes poor choices at school and faces painful consequences. She says, “I have learned that it is important [to remember] that we are two separate people. My child's behaviors are not a reflection of me.”
It’s normal to criticize ourselves or our parenting when our child struggles for an extended period. Faced with significant stress and acute needs, we may beat ourselves up for dropping balls or making mistakes. But perhaps the invitation to gentleness includes the opportunity to affirm ourselves as parents, to notice all the things we are doing well, and to affirm our commitment and dedication to our children.
Embrace Joy
Amid the pain and frustration of parenting a teen with health challenges, we soothe our souls by embracing joy. Sometimes that means taking time for gratitude. Sometimes that means seeing the best in our child. It can also look like choosing activities that bring us joy.
I find respite in a blooming garden. Listening to music (and singing along) lifts my spirits. Taking Ellie and Leah to the craft store always brings smiles. When I take extended time to pray and journal, I always feel more peaceful and grounded.
Jessie used this principle when parenting her daughter felt excruciating. She said, “I paired the hard thing with something enjoyable. Refeeding my daughter was so painful. So we watched shows that made us laugh while she ate.”
Shelley finds joy in music and worship. She finds relief in “saying the ‘unsayable’ things in my heart to God and letting Him work with me in the truth of it.”
Cameron has found relief in the acceptance of both her daughter and her mental health struggles. Cameron decided to focus on how capable and strong her daughter is, rather than focusing on her challenges.
Maggie talked about the ways she poured her grief into art, which helped her find spaces to be herself. Investing in hobbies such as poetry and thrifting helps her mind relax and process her daughters’ mental health battles.
Your Daily Gift: Sustainable Self-Care
Supporting a teen with mental health challenges looks less like a sprint and more like an ultra marathon without a clear finish line. It takes courage, dedication, and hope to keep going.
While Mother's Day celebrates moms once a year, our reality requires sustainable self-care practices daily. These four elements - finding support, taking time, being gentle with ourselves and embracing joy - can be like a lighthouse to help us find our way through our teen’s health crisis with sanity and serenity.
These questions might feel supportive as you consider how to incorporate more self-care practices:
Which people help you become your best self?
What places inspire hope?
What activities bring you joy?
When can you add one of those activities, places or people to your calendar in the coming month?
Our teens need us for the long haul, which means they need us whole and replenished, not just on Mother's Day, but every day.
I’d love to hear from you. What self-care practices work in your daily or weekly rhythms? What tips do you have for other parents?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong: The reckoning. The rumble. The revolution. Spiegel & Grau.
Very helpful Serena thank you. So good to know we are not alone in this. What I have found helpful is also accepting that I’m not solely responsible to ‘fix’ the problems and that my children are on their journey. My role is to love them unconditionally and support them while also doing the same for myself. Self care to me looks like taking the dog for a walk in the middle of the day to give me something to look forward to after the morning’s work and a break in the day to give me energy to get through the rest of the day. When my husband is home at weekends I take myself for longer walks or hikes or a book to read by the river alone. It’s the little things for me that make all the difference.
Serena, I love your encouragement and valuable points. Kids are watching their moms. By doing so, they learn how to care for themselves. There may be a day when they remember their mother took the time to do her devotions, exercise, or take a walk by herself, then returned home revitalized. Yes! Adult children will also remember the friendships their mother had when they were young and use them as their standards for their own relationships. Ex: In what ways did Mom and her friends support and appreciate one another? They will seek those same qualities in their relationships.
There are many ways we do things for ourselves today that, in the long run, we are also doing for those around us. I love your message.