Hidden Strength
Shifting How We See Teens with Mental Health Challenges
How do we focus on our children's strengths when their struggles seem to eclipse everything else?
This question haunted me until a year ago, when my daughter—while facing profound loss—showed me a way. In the midst of her suffering, she chose a path that I didn’t know existed: one where her resilience, not her mental health challenges, defined her journey.
The Breakup
On a Thursday night in March 2024, I overheard something like either muffled sobs or strange laughter coming from Ellie’s room. As the sounds of Ellie’s conversation with her boyfriend wafted down the stairs, I tried not to panic. But when I saw her face, swollen and red, I knew.
Earlier that day, Ellie shared her concerns about her two-year relationship with Tommy. For hours, I held her in my arms, a pile of crumpled tissues growing by the minute. I listened, empathized, and tried to strategize ways to renew her relationship with the young man she loved. It wasn’t the way I had expected to spend our family’s spring break, but it was what she needed.
Eight hours later, it was over. Suddenly, bitterly, shockingly. I felt as if someone had just cut the strings to our parachute and we were falling too quickly to breathe, anticipating a hard landing.
My husband, Peter, and I had dreaded this day. Ever since they made their relationship official, Ellie seemed to become deeply attached to Tommy.
“We’re dating,” Ellie pondered, fingering a bracelet Tommy gave her for Valentine’s Day. “I have a boyfriend.” She said the words slowly, as if she were tasting them for the first time.
We saw the way Ellie’s eyes lit up when he appeared. Under Tommy’s affirming gaze, Ellie’s body hatred seemed to melt. She chose soft flowing dresses with confidence; she put on makeup easily before seeing him; the complaints about her body disappeared.
As much as we liked Tommy, we worried Ellie wasn’t ready for a boyfriend, just six months out of an eating disorder treatment center. We also didn’t like that Ellie’s social life had shrunk. When Tommy entered the picture, most of Ellie’s friendships faded until most of her social life revolved around Tommy. He was her confidante when she struggled with eating disorder slips. He was her cheerleader when depression returned. His voice calmed her in moments of anxiety.
Peter and I asked each other frequently: how hard would Ellie crash if they ever broke up? Would the shock of losing Tommy’s support send Ellie into relapse? How could we convince her to develop more of a support system outside of one teenage boy and her therapist?
The night of the breakup, Ellie wept in my arms again. Afterwards I shivered in bed, trying to breathe, trying to calm my terror. How will she get through this? I prayed. Please help us, God.
A Fresh Perspective
So I reached out to my friend Cameron. I knew she’d understand my fears after walking with her daughter Rachel through depression and bulimia. I told her how scared I was and asked her to pray.
After a lovely dose of empathy, Cameron said something unexpectedly beautiful, something that changed my entire perspective.
“You are understandably worried. But what happens if we remember that our daughters literally have the STRONGEST minds around? Their brains have enough resilience to be what they are in the good times AND the bad. Let’s hope that Ellie will take the strength she’s built and use it positively in this experience. Can you choose to be hopeful about her strength, rather than afraid of her fragility?”
Cameron’s words hit me like an electric shock.
When Ellie’s eating disorder spiraled out of control, I learned how to brace for an almost constant state of crisis. There were months in which I could not expect Ellie to eat full meals, get out of bed, or attend school. Over time, I absorbed a consistent message: Mom, you have to be on your game all the time. Do more, try harder, supervise more to keep your daughter alive. If she falls, it’s on you. Ellie can’t take care of herself, so you have to advocate for her. The stakes are life and death.
Even though Ellie had stabilized with her eating disorder and depression, I realized that my heart hadn’t caught up. Despite Ellie’s progress in individual therapy, the trust we’ve built together in family therapy, and the ways Ellie has overcome multiple challenges, I still struggled to relax. I was more tuned into Ellie’s stumbling blocks than her resilience.
But Cameron’s words made me pause. At a recent checkup, my eye doctor clicked a new set of lenses and my vision was suddenly sharper and fresher. In the same way, Cameron’s words prompted me to put on a fresh set of lenses to observe Ellie. I asked myself, What if I focus on how capable she is? What if I hold a vision of her moving through grief with grace, rather than collapsing? How will it affect both of us if I trust her to work through this?
By God’s grace, Ellie moved through grief with remarkable resourcefulness. She pummeled stuffed animals rather than purging. Her support network carried her in ways that surprised and softened her. As she focused on classes, friendships and hobbies, she swam above the tide of depression and reached the other shore.
Growing Resilience
A year later, Ellie has weathered more difficulties than I could have imagined. As many of you know, Ellie recently developed several chronic health conditions that have landed her in the hospital, limited her mobility and hindered her ability to receive adequate nourishment. Despite the reality that managing her health is like a full-time job, she persevered in her dream to live on her own as a college student. Last night, she returned home after completing her first year at a public university. She proudly shared that she earned a 97% on her English final exam, despite her continued health decline. Inspired by the lack of effective solutions for her condition, she has decided to explore the field of medicine to help others.
Ellie will probably face more obstacles than many of her peers, given her neurodiversity, mental health challenges and physical disabilities. But watching her navigate heartbreak with unexpected strength and pursue her college dreams despite physical setbacks has changed my perspective. I’m learning to see how Ellie’s struggles have transformed into resilience - emotional muscles developed through each recovery, each setback, each small step forward.
Our focus as parents shapes what we see. When I look beyond Ellie’s diagnoses to notice the determination in her eyes, I don't just see a daughter with challenges—I see a young woman whose struggles have forged beautiful strengths. And sometimes, I realize that these same challenges have strengthened me and Peter too. While I wouldn’t have chosen these storms, I can see now the gifts we have gained through them.
I’d love to hear from you. How have you witnessed your teen’s strength alongside their struggles? How have you noticed your own growth through challenges?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
P.P.S. Between William’s high school graduation and a work conference, I’m taking a break from posting on Substack until June. Congrats to all the grads out there, whether you’re graduating from kindergarten, 8th grade, high school or college!
Serena, this is such a beautiful example of grace and resilience. Three wise, inspiring women, inspiring each other and us as readers! Thank you. I'm saving Cameron's words and may add this to my treasured quotes. These are words that are a good reminder for ourselves, too, when we tend to second-guess ourselves.
Thank you so much for your kind words recommending Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration. From one heart to another, I'm very glad we're connected! xo
I'm sorry for the breakup because that's devastating for everyone in her care circle, but what a gift to have her demonstrate strength and resilience. More and more you are witnessing her ability to live and grow into adulthood grace.