Choosing Gratitude
Nourishing Practices for Parents of Neurodiverse Teens
As we plan Thanksgiving gatherings, finalize menus, and prepare to welcome family and friends, there’s one important tool I’ve learned, especially when we have complex family situations. It’s the power of intentional gratitude.
Our Happiest Thanksgivings
My favorite Thanksgiving memories revolve around four-day visits to my dad’s home. Over a leisurely breakfast, we marvel over the birds that perch on bird feeders. Later, we might look for turtles in the marsh at the nature preserve. On Thanksgiving afternoon, my dad spends hours slaving over an organic turkey stuffed with fancy mushrooms whose names I can’t pronounce, while my stepmom whips together a new version of carrot soup every year. My daughters help her decorate the table with her fanciest china and silverware, an earth-toned linen tablecloth and soft, pristine napkins encased in brass rings. Once we fill our plates, I savor each bite, trying to ignore my paranoia that one of my kids will knock over the elegant, slender candles and set the table on fire.
When we pile into the car a few days later, waving at Dad with his tiny schnoodle wriggling in his arms, I always feel grateful for the extended time together. We begin our long drive home with twinges of sadness and gifts piled into the trunk.
Other years, Thanksgiving has looked like a table with friends or strangers that become friends: international students from the nearby university or a “friendsgiving” potluck where we incorporate a white elephant gift exchange. Sometimes it’s just been the five of us, like when Ellie was too sick for us to travel or the pandemic kept us isolated.
When Thanksgiving is Hard
I appreciate Thanksgiving for the reminders to look back with gratitude, to savor our abundance, and to spend time with loved ones. But I know Thanksgiving can also bring up grief and loneliness. For our Native American friends, this holiday represents all they have lost in terms of land, people, and tribal customs. For those of us who have lost a loved one, Thanksgiving might feel like an open wound, a deeper reminder of their absence. When we are navigating complex family dynamics, Thanksgiving might feel like something to endure, rather than an occasion to celebrate.
Parents of teens with mental health issues have a unique set of challenges. If our teens are facing depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder, family holidays can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Even if our teens have moved through the darkest periods to a place of stability, they may struggle with social gatherings, especially if it’s outside of their environment. Teens with ADHD or autism often become overwhelmed by changes in routine or sensory overload. When our daughter Ellie was younger, her moments of dysregulation led to emotional outbursts that left us dazed and shaken.
Choosing Gratitude
For all these reasons, we might approach Thanksgiving with a combination of hopeful anticipation and heavy dread. Gratitude might feel elusive, especially when our teen continues to struggle. If that’s you, I see you. I’ve been there. In some ways, I’m still there.
But I’m holding onto the reminder of this holiday to practice gratitude. Whatever our circumstances, we can find something to be thankful for. Practicing this on our own and with our family can change everything.
Questions for Personal Reflection
Someone said that we should only compare ourselves to our past selves, rather than other people. Another friend said that even though she’s not where she wants to be, she’s aware of how far she’s come.
I would add that comparing our children to other people’s children (or to their siblings) is a dangerous set-up. We especially need to avoid comparing our neurodiverse teen to a neurotypical teen.
As we look at our kids, we can notice their growth in recent months.
What steps have they taken, whether small or big?
How are they growing in resilience, self-management, and health?
Even if they seem stuck or if they have relapsed, where can we find something to affirm? How are they learning from the experience or getting closer to hitting bottom to choose recovery?
Where do we notice God’s blessings, even in something as simple as the kindness of a doctor or a teacher in a hard moment, a new friend for our teen, or identifying the right medication?
This is also a significant moment to affirm ourselves as parents.
As we reflect on the past year, how have we grown? What have we learned?
How are we taking care of ourselves?
How are we navigating challenges more effectively, holding boundaries with wisdom, or loving our kids more unconditionally?
When did we experience God’s gifts in a friend’s hug, an insightful book, or an encouraging word when we needed it?
Photo by Hayley Murray on Unsplash
Gratitude Practices for Families
When we engage in gratitude as a family, it can warm the tenor of a family gathering. We’ve found this especially helpful with a neurodiverse teen. Here’s what’s worked for our family.
Write it Down
One friend keeps a Thanksgiving gratitude journal. Her family pulls it out every Thanksgiving to record that year’s blessings. Together, their family is creating an incredible memento to capture the gifts of each decade.
When my kids were younger, we traced our hands on orange and brown construction paper to make “turkeys,” wrote our blessings on each one, and then mounted them on the walls.
With teens at church, I’ve invited them to draw their happy and sad moments from the past month (essential to use colored pencils) and then share it with the rest of us. The act of drawing gives them space to reflect. They are much more willing to share about their lives when describing their drawing, rather than answering questions.
Say it Aloud
Sometimes our extended family shares one thing we’re thankful for at the Thanksgiving table. When family members tell a story associated with their “one thing,” we hear fascinating adventures and learn so much! (Note: this practice works best if my kids have food or fidgets to keep their hands busy).
Some of us might want to thank God for our blessings. We could use written liturgies together (examples of Christian prayers or Jewish prayers for Thanksgiving). We could pray through a psalm like Psalm 103. Or we might invite each person to thank God with one word prayers.
Years ago, our family learned about family affirmations, in which one person says something they appreciate about someone else. It goes something like this:
Leah: “William, I affirm you for making things fun at dinner.”
William: “Ellie, thanks for making yummy bread for us, and for working hard at college even though you don’t feel well.”
Ellie: “Dad, I affirm you for getting me a Walmart Plus account because it makes it so easy to get stuff delivered to my dorm.”
Peter: “Serena, thanks for making delicious dinners and for taking Ellie to her doctor’s appointments.”
Me: “Leah, I affirm you for staying on top of your homework in your freshman year of high school. And for taking the dog for a walk.”
We keep going until we have affirmed everyone multiple times. Even though these affirmations might seem cheesy, it knits our family together. It creates a sense of feeling know, seen and appreciated.
Serve Together
Doing service together reminds us of how much we have. Our family has fun memories of serving at a food pantry, a clothes closet and a book bank. Once, we spent a week on a service trip, doing construction projects, playing with kids, and leading bingo (in Spanish!) for senior citizens.
Sometimes big group activities are too much for our neurodiverse teen, so we find low-key service opportunities. Once we assembled sandwiches at our kitchen table to drop off at a soup kitchen. Right now, Ellie and Leah are crocheting a baby blanket for a family whose baby is in the NICU. Every December, we peruse a gift catalog from our favorite nonprofit and invite our kids to choose what we’ll contribute to a family in need (such as chickens or a bicycle).
Whatever activity we choose, serving others helps us move beyond our everyday challenges to realize our blessings.
Songs of Gratitude
If music inspires you, here’s some songs of gratitude.
However you choose gratitude this week, know that I am grateful for you! For those facing challenging family situations, I am rooting for you.
I’d love to learn from you. What are your favorite gratitude practices? What helps you stay grounded in the hard and the joyful moments?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
I appreciate this post. My daughter has PWS, a rare endocrine disorder, and family holidays can disrupt the routine. We use a lot of gratitude practices in our household, which helps. I love the approach in your article which is not necessarily to avoid gatherings but to work with them as best you can. Gratitude, savoring, appreciation, compassion etc. all help.
What a gift of a post full of so many great ideas and resources! I was especially touched by the dialogue of your family’s affirmations - so beautiful!