Beyond the Family
Welcoming Others’ Investment in Our Teens
Just as I was about to drive three hours to take my daughter to the Emergency Room in her college town, I got a message that filled me with surprising relief.
“I’m happy to help,” Dr. Jill wrote. “I’ll meet your daughter at the ER in half an hour.”
The adrenaline coursing through my body slowed. My frantic mental packing list paused. Even though part of my brain insisted that I should be the one to accompany Ellie, I accepted this gift. I knew the best option was to find a responsible adult near Ellie’s college. I was grateful that the director of Ellie’s neurodiversity program said yes.
Once Ellie moved from the ER triage into a private room, I jumped on FaceTime. As we waited for a doctor, I noticed how easily Ellie talked with Dr. Jill about her classes, friends, and chronic health issues. Dr. Jill joked that now she and Ellie really knew each other, because they’d talked about bodily fluids as the nurse drew blood. When Dr. Jill dropped Ellie off at her dorm afterwards, I sensed a new bond between them.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the challenge and necessity of inviting others to invest in our kids. For our teens who struggle with mental health issues and/or physical health challenges, we find unexpected gifts as we invite others to care for them.
Love in a Sledding Hill
I had never thought of packing snow as a way to show love. Until now.
“The sledding hill was so cool, Mom!” Fourteen-year-old Leah’s eyes lit up after a weekend winter retreat. “It had two tracks for sledding, with some bumps so you could get some air. They had snow barriers too. We went really fast. Our team almost won the sled-making contest!”
“That’s great,” I replied, scrolling through photos of teens holding sleds made of cardboard and duct tape. “How do you think they got a sledding hill like that?”
Leah shrugged. “The counselors made it.”
This made me pause.
I hadn’t considered that before the campers arrived, counselors spent hours building this snow course in subzero temperatures. I imagined them envisioning the design, shoveling snow, and shaping it with gloved hands. I realized that this was one of many tangible ways the counselors showed love to my teen, along with leading group games and Bible discussions, facilitating a cohesive cabin, and jumping at any opportunity for a deeper one-on-one conversation with kids.
I thought I was sending Leah on a retreat to grow her faith and friendships, and to enjoy outdoor adventures. It hadn’t occurred to me that we were sending her to a place where she could receive love in a multitude of ways.
Barriers to Inviting Others In
Sometimes it feels tempting to think that we can be and do everything for our kids. Depending on our perspective, we may feel internal or external pressure to provide all that our kids need in terms of spiritual formation, emotional development, academic and social support, and physical needs. Some of us raise our hand to be part of their world wherever possible, volunteering as their coaches, Sunday school teachers, Scout leaders, and academic tutors.
On the one hand, we need dedicated parents in all those roles; parents willing to sacrifice time and energy are heroes!
At the same time, as one of those eager parents myself, I’m learning how important it is for my teens to develop relationships with other healthy adults.
If our teens need significant support because of health challenges or learning differences, our caregiving responsibilities might feel impossible to share with others. It can feel harder to ask for help if we’ve always done it ourselves. It’s even harder if we have high standards for our teens’ care and doubt other adults’ ability to meet those standards (perhaps for good reasons). If our kids need highly specialized support, we need creative solutions for how others can invest in them.
It will look different in every family, but there’s value in inviting other adults into our teen’s world: folks who can invest in them as mentors, friends and guides.
Benefits to Inviting Others In
They say it takes a village to raise a child. As I’ve reflected lately on how my village supports my kids, I’ve identified these gifts.
Teens Learn to Ask for Help
Last year, my husband and I learned a great tip for parenting a college-age teen. When Ellie struggles, we try not to give advice and instead ask,
“What do you think you should do? Who can you ask for help with this problem?”
If it’s a medical issue, we encourage her to partner closely with her doctors. If it’s related to college life, we encourage her to connect with her support network on campus. Side note: It takes all my self-discipline not to contact those doctors or administrators myself, especially when Ellie forgets to do so in a timely manner.
Sometimes I imagine my kids rolling their eyes as I encourage them to reach out to other adults. But embedded in that prompt are key principles I want my teens to learn, such as:
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
I believe that the adults in your life are trustworthy (and I’m happy to guide you in discerning who is a safe person).
Your community is here to support you.
The older you get, the more I trust you can solve your own problems by connecting with others. I will do my best to guide you, rather than rescue you.
Spiritual & Emotional Formation
“Mom, I’m really glad you’re not my youth group leader anymore,” Leah said airily over dinner. “It’s nice to have a leader who isn’t someone’s mom.”
“Ouch, Leah!” I replied, thinking of how much I’d enjoyed mentoring her and three of her friends in junior high school. It always seemed like those four girls loved being together under my leadership. Did I miss something?
“I didn’t mean it that way,” Leah replied quickly. “It’s just…different to have someone who’s closer to our age.”
I nodded. “I’m glad you like your mentor so much,” I said, swallowing my pride as I imagined a college student named Casey leading a group of my daughter and her friends as they laughed, shared, and prayed. Honestly, I still missed leading those girls myself.
Yet I felt immensely grateful that Leah felt so comfortable in her group and trusted her leader. To me, this signified a step towards Leah making her faith her own.
Inviting others to mentor our children, whether officially or unofficially, is a sign of humility. It reminds us we aren’t invincible and that sometimes, making space for another adult in our teen’s life is the best choice. In our family, mentors come in many forms: sports coaches, church leaders, music teachers, a beloved teacher, a kind boss.
Sometimes, I don’t realize those adults’ impact on my teens until months or years later. But as I look back, I can see the gifts those folks offered. For example, my son’s track coaches taught him sportsmanship, self-discipline and perseverance. My daughters’ band teacher instilled humor alongside dedication and teamwork. My son’s youth pastor opened up space for William to process his spiritual journey and challenged him to serve boldly.
In recovering from an eating disorder, Ellie has formed a surprisingly close relationship with her nutritionist (and her therapist). Over the past three years, Lynn has become a trusted confidante. Her reassuring presence provides a secure base for Ellie to navigate recovery, along with a solid framework to think about nutrition, body image, and self-care.
Supports Parents
Some of us need the relief of knowing that other wise adults are supporting and loving our kids. We may feel exhausted from the challenges of raising moody teenagers, especially those with health challenges. The load of parenting can feel weighty and relentless. As we share that load with other trusted adults, it feels more manageable. We need to know that we are not alone.
Many of Ellie’s mentors have wisdom and expertise beyond mine, especially in areas of neurodiversity and health challenges. Knowing that these adults pour into her in group settings and one-on-one conversations provides relief that she is getting the support she needs. It also means that I don’t need to have all the answers; I just need to point Ellie in the right direction.
When we can partner well with others who support our teens, we become better parents. Every so often, Peter and I schedule a parent session with Ellie’s therapist to talk about her recovery and consider how we can partner together better. The therapist’s insights help us know how to parent Ellie more effectively. As we offer our observations of Ellie’s struggles, her therapist discerns how to support her.
Conclusion: “Phone a Friend”
When my kids were very little, I used FaceTime relentlessly. If a feverish kid was climbing the walls in a doctor’s waiting room, we called Grandma. When toddlers were bored and grumpy on endless rainy indoor days, we reached out to Aunt Mary for giggles. Six hours into a road trip, we tapped Granddad for jokes.
In the same way, parenting teens feels like a balance between dedicated family time and intentional conversations, interspersed with moments of “phoning a friend” to invite them into the journey. The more we notice opportunities to lean on wise friends, the smoother our parenting journey. Looking back, I’m so grateful for the friends who have invested in our teens, helping them navigate the rocky road of adolescence; I can see their fingerprints in my teens’ minds and hearts.
I’d love to hear from you. How have you leaned on others to parent your kids? Which mentors have meant the most to your family?
Grateful for your companionship on the journey,
P.S. Before you go, please tap the little ♡. It offers “social proof” and lets others know there’s something useful here. Thanks!
I love this. I've had some moments as Mimi to listen to my grands fears and stressors and have even had a few "DTM" moments with them. (Nothing risky, you understand.) I have also had several moments with students that left me in tears because I felt useless to help. The world is so rough, and any help you can get with children, relationships, and even dinner is such a blessing!
Thanks for this Serena. Your email has been sitting unopened in my inbox for a while as I have been so behind with work and this evening I have been working through the backlog and read your email. Perfect timing as I was struggling to decide just this afternoon would you believe, if I did the right thing by taking my 13-year-old daughter to therapy which she asked for and is embracing. The therapist is distant with me, understandably but as long as my daughter is feeling helped, I am ok with that. But the protective part of me worries that we found the right person and if she is good for my daughter. It is unchartered territory and I felt so conflicted today until I read your email. Thank you so much for what you shared.