As a parent, how do you ask for help in the midst of your kid’s mental health challenges?
For the past two weeks, we’ve heard Cameron’s story. In part one, Cameron talked about the terror of discovering something was wrong with her daughter’s mental health. In part two, Cameron shared the pain of her daughter’s suicidal tendencies, and how she experienced God’s care in the darkest times. Today, we’ll hear hope: how Rachel found a path to recovery, and what Cameron learned about self-care for herself.
Uncovering Trauma
Me: We paused your story at a point when things were pretty desperate. Rachel was hospitalized a second time for suicidal tendencies while in a partial hospitalization program for mood and anxiety. You felt deeply discouraged. What happened next?
Cameron: Eventually, Rachel stabilized and returned to the program for another couple months. Somewhere along the way, the treatment center therapist realized that Rachel was suffering from trauma related to gymnastics. She had a coach who was very hard on her and it left scars.
Me: Wait, what? Was this part of that intensive gymnastics program, the one where she was homeschooled?
Cameron: Yep. She was part of a select group of young girls, from third to seventh grade, trained thirty hours a week. There was no room for failure; the coach demanded perfection. One observer called it oppressive; someone else called the coach verbally abusive. Rachel refused to eat breakfast and often threw up before practice because she was so anxious. But damn, she scored high on the routines and won all the meets! Eventually it became really toxic and I pulled her out. But Roy and I didn’t know until much later how it traumatized her.
Me: Wow, that’s heartbreaking! I can’t imagine how hard that must have been as a mom, both when you pulled Rachel out of a gymnastics program even as she won all these awards, and when you realized, years later, how much emotional damage she sustained.
Cameron: Reconciling all of this has been a long process.
Me: I bet. So how did that realization change Rachel’s treatment plan?
Cameron: We found a new therapist who specializes in trauma. She helped Rachel process it all. Thank God for her.
The way I think about the trauma is this: I think that the only way that Rachel could access emotions was to harm herself. She was cutting too. Bulimia helped her to create a feeling, like anger or protest or hurt. When she had better access to her feelings and learned how to manage them, she stopped using the negative things to feel. As she dealt with the trauma in therapy, the bulimia resolved itself.
Also, we found an amazing, caring psychiatrist. Before, our pediatrician prescribed meds, but we really needed a full psychiatrist to help us figure out Rachel’s diagnosis.
Me: Having a good therapist and a good psychiatrist have been so important for my daughter’s healing, too. Like if recovery is a house that we’re building, those two are the foundation. I’m curious about what else they landed on for Rachel’s diagnosis, besides depression and bulimia.
Uncovering Another Diagnosis
Cameron: It took a while to get there.
I told you about when Child Protective Services investigated us for abuse, because of stories Rachel made up. Rachel seemed to get high off it. That was the first clue that something was wrong.
A couple months later, we had another clue.
My parents flew out to support us as Rachel came home from the first psych hospital. We wanted to watch our younger daughter Zoie’s soccer game. So, Roy and my mom took one car. I drove the other car with my dad in the passenger seat, Rachel and Zoie in the back.
Just as I was merging onto the highway, Rachel started screaming. She’d just found out that Roy and I turned off her phone while she was hospitalized. She screamed at me, saying, “I hate you! I hate you! I’m gonna jump out of the car right now!”
My dad looked at me and I could tell he was as terrified as me. I tried to keep driving while Rachel screamed. My dad put on his no-nonsense lawyer voice to keep Rachel from jumping. We finally got to the game, but Rachel was still hysterical. Finally, Roy brought her home and skipped the game.
So the weird thing is, when we got home after the soccer game, Rachel was flying high again. She was laughing and smiling and couldn’t wait to tell us stories about the hospital. It didn’t make sense. Except when it all clicked together.
When the psychiatrist heard us describe Rachel’s dramatic mood swings, between these big happy highs and big sad lows and anger like a bomb going off, she had a theory. She wondered if Rachel might be bipolar. It’s been two years of Rachel taking bipolar meds and it helps. It’s still hard for me to believe that she’s bipolar. But Roy is sure of it. She also has ADHD.
Me: Wow, Cam. What a big realization, all of this. What I’m getting from your story is that even though the presentation of depression or an eating disorder can look similar on the outside from kid to kid, the underlying causes are complex. Those root causes of a mental health struggle are unique to each person. We need a team of skilled professionals to unearth those root causes and figure out how to help our kids heal.
Getting Help As Parents
Cameron: Yeah. It takes a village. I think we also have to accept help as parents. We have to be honest, with ourselves first and then with others, about how hard things are. Without that honesty, I don’t think we can get through this kind of thing.
Me: How did you ask for help for yourself? What would you recommend for other parents going through these struggles?
Cameron: I got back into therapy, finally. It made a big difference.
I accepted help from people who love us. Two friends flew across the country to support me when Rachel came home from the second hospital. I said yes when people offered to bring meals. Anyone who was willing to take something off my plate so I could be with Rachel… that was a gift.
Me: What else?
Cameron: Roy and I said no to everything, like volunteering at school or church or going out, unless we really wanted to. At first, I felt guilty, like I should be able to do all this. I should be able to have a perfectly clean house and amazing dinners. But I finally let it go. My priority was to be there for my family. I also took three weeks off work to rest.
Me: It sounds like you let go of expectations of yourself and focused on being present. Speaking of which, tell me why you chose sobriety during Rachel’s health crisis.
Cameron: Rachel was getting into alcohol and pot. I had to hide the knives because she was cutting. So I just removed everything dangerous from the house.
Me: You got rid of alcohol for your daughter’s sake, but you stopped drinking too, at least for a season.
Cameron: It’s bananas! Most of the time, when you talk to moms of teens, they’re like, “Pass the wine! Where’re the gummies?” I can’t believe I lived through the whole thing, stone cold sober. It was a great move. It helped me to be more present. I never knew what was coming next, and I wanted to be prepared.
Me: What a great vision for parents: to welcome all kinds of help, to choose relationships over tasks, to choose presence over numbing out.
A Vision of Recovery
Me: How is Rachel’s health now? She’s a high school senior deciding between colleges, about to launch into the world.
Cameron: She’s much more stable with her emotions. I’m not seeing the old behaviors anymore. She mentioned that she’s using an app to track her ED recovery which made me wonder how it’s going. My radar is up because she looks a little skinny, and she has some big changes coming up. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’ll know it when I know it.
What we have now is a trusting relationship. I say, “You may eat what or how you want. I am here for you to offer whatever support I can. I’m a little concerned, but I know you would say something, because hiding the ED is a very bad thing. You know that and I know that.” She’s much more open with me now.
She has her hard moments - like she’s sad about friends at school - but she knows how to work through them now. And she can just be sad, and that’s okay.
Me: I love how you can have conversations with her like that.
Cameron, thanks for sharing so honestly about hard topics! I’m so glad Rachel is doing well now, and I’m grateful for your wisdom in navigating this journey. It’s been such a gift to walk through this together!
Cameron: Thank you! I loved sharing this with you. Revisiting our story brings up a lot of gratitude for me.
What resonates for you in Cameron’s story? When have you walked through an unexpected diagnosis, a hidden trauma, or a painful situation and found healing? When have you accepted extra help? When have you said no to obligations as part of self-care? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Cameron’s words challenge me to consider where I can choose presence over tasks myself.
Until next time…